Reclaiming Desire: Insights from 'Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It'

Attending an all-girls Catholic school offered little in the way of sex education, but I recall the occasional bits of advice we received. For instance, lying next to a boy (in strictly binary terms) was practically criminal before marriage. Another classic: no kissing for longer than a Hail Mary. Although I found many of these lessons absurd (Who kisses while praying?), the belief that sex serves one purpose deeply ingrained itself in my mind.

In college, I broke the rules and had sex with partners I wasn't married to. After my first experience didn’t end disastrously, I continued exploring my sexuality through my 20s and early 30s, determined to embrace a sex-positive mindset and shed the shame from my upbringing. I believed I enjoyed sex—until my current partner pointed out that I never took the initiative and asked me what I actually liked.

Featured image by Riley Reed.

Finding Joy in Intimacy

My face turned red. “Um. I don’t know… I just want you to feel good,” I replied earnestly. But he wasn’t satisfied with that answer. Having read numerous Bell Hooks books, he genuinely cared for me.

His well-intentioned question sparked a challenge, leading me to introspection. Did I truly enjoy sex, or was I simply a people pleaser enjoying the act of service? His suggestion to see a sex therapist seemed ridiculous at first—after all, I liked sex, didn’t I?

Yet, the more I pondered, the more I realized I lacked evidence to support that claim. I felt as disconnected from the joy of sex as my high school teachers appeared back then. I quickly sought a counselor who specialized in sex therapy, aiming to discover genuine pleasure in intimacy, perhaps for the first time.

Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: A Transformative Read

During our first session, she recommended a groundbreaking book: Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell. Each chapter provided valuable insights into what I previously mistook as a lack of libido. I realized these feelings are remarkably common, inspiring me to share key takeaways that resonated with me.

If you find any of this intriguing, I highly suggest picking up Darnell’s 2022 book. The insights below represent just a fraction of its depth.

Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell

“Everything We Learn About Sex is Lies”

This dramatic chapter title captures a universal truth: wild misconceptions about sex abound, regardless of upbringing. Movies, literature, and even childhood tales often blur the lines between love and desire. Love is about comfort and security, while desire thrives on excitement. Recognizing these differences can help us navigate our relationships more effectively.

“For most of us, desire was something we absorbed by osmosis from the cultures around us,” Darnell explains in Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It. “Reflecting on desire versus love enables us to connect with our own feelings, especially if we were raised to conflate the two.”

Horniness Isn’t Essential

Good sex doesn’t hinge on being horny. While horniness can be a component of desire, it’s often fleeting and unreliable. Focusing too much on it can distract us from a more sustainable source of desire: motivation.

“Desire remains passive, leading to a neurotic relationship with its expression,” Darnell notes. “We disconnect from our motivation and incentives. The essence of what we seek is alive within us, yet we close off from it by ignoring that desire demands our attention.”

Taking charge of your desire can transform your sexual experiences. While sex can arise from biological urges, it can also stem from emotional, mental, or situational factors.

Rethinking Naturalness in Sex

“While the instinct to procreate may seem natural, it often lacks a connection to pleasure, especially for women, gay men, lesbians, non-binary individuals, and others whose sexuality explores beyond mere reproduction,” Darnell argues.

She suggests that sex is an art form, a skill to be honed. “We’re conditioned to think its naturalness means we don’t need to invest time or energy into it.”

Questioning Your Reasons for Sex

Darnell emphasizes this simple question as crucial in her field.

“Understanding why we have sex lessens our tendency to engage in goal-oriented encounters, where results overshadow enjoyment,” she writes. “Without clarity on why you’re doing something, it’s tough to gauge satisfaction.”

Three Keys to a Fulfilling Sex Life

In Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It, Darnell identifies three essential components of The Triangle of Satisfaction: Curiosity, Willingness, and Priority.

Talking About Sex Matters

It’s not just about discussing sex in general; it’s crucial to express your needs. Knowing how to communicate what brings you pleasure—and how to receive that from your partner—creates a roadmap for intimacy. Many venture forth without this guidance, leading to a thrilling yet unsustainable journey.

Through various case studies, Darnell illustrates that a partner’s inability to articulate their desires often leads to a loss of interest—a sentiment I regrettably resonated with.

As I cheered for others to embrace their sexuality, I realized I hadn’t fully allowed myself that freedom. I lacked the vocabulary to express my desires.

Listening is Just as Crucial

Conversely, it’s vital to recognize that when someone shares their needs, it’s not a critique of ability but an invitation for connection.

If you appreciate the idea of Compliment Sandwiches, think of the Sex Sandwich: frame requests or feedback with affirmations.

The Importance of Erotic Awareness

As Darnell writes, “Eroticism is the sex where your mind is engaged.”

While sex consists of physical urges and actions, eroticism gives those actions meaning. Others may inspire us, but ultimately, “it’s us that ignites our passion.”